new level of hell under construction due to "crunchers"

AP, Reuters, Hades: Sources near the pit of hell report that a new level is being constructed, number 10, to accommodate a growing population of people who are appearing in hell due to their loud eating of crunchy foods at work. "These people are meeting untimely deaths as well," says a spokesman for the Devil, who did not return phone calls. "It's not unusual for people to underestimate the severity of certain "activities" if you will. Eating potato chips, crunchy vegetables, and other snacks in cubicle environments and movie theatres has been on the rise, with or without mouths open, with a corresponding rise in spontaneous homicide, and of course, nobody "up there" (in heaven) wants to deal with these people." . Of course "the crunchers", once they arrive, will be given plenty of snacks and special amplifiers so that they can hear each other clearly. It's the least we could do." Construction on the new level should be completed by summer, while many crunchers wait in refugee camps on the 9th level. "I can't wait for my eternal supply of potato chips," said one damned woman cheerfully. Other denizens of the nether worlds petitioned the Great Deceiver to put up sound barriers to protect them from the new 10th level dwellers: one glutton on the 7th level said "it's bad enough we have to burn in cold eternal hellfire!".